The thing about having a child with ‘the A word’ is that on the really tough days it can be hard to see beyond the things your child can’t do.
You try not to do it, you beat yourself up about it and you feel horrendously guilty for falling prey to it, but yes there are times when the fact that your lovely little person can only say a few words and phrases, still looks wobbly on their feet at the grand old age of three and will only eat meals involving either cereal or pasta (or anything beige) that are the things that you focus on.
Rather than the fact they are pointing out what they want more, will fetch a bowl or cup to tell you they’d like a snack or drink, have become confident enough to actually walk for a spell on the school run and have made a special friend at nursery.
It sounds terrible, but it’s something we all do.
With NT (neurotypical) Mini-me I absolutely felt the pressure to start and smash it with potty training when friends began turning up to play dates having ditched the nappies. So it’s not really surprising that I’m finding it hard that Blue-eyed boy shows absolutely no interest in this area whatsoever.
My more relaxed friends tell me to quit worrying and ‘let things happen when he’s ready’. All good advice, unfortunately in my over-analytical tumble dryer of a brain, it’s hard to just let things lie and pick my battles.
I find myself fretting over the fact that Blue-eyed boy is still perfectly happy sleeping in his cot, when some of his pint-sized mates from the baby days are now on their second bed.
I wonder if I should stop giving him a dummy at night time – despite the fact that some NT children I know used one until they were well past five.
I see pictures on Facebook of other children grinning into the camera and it genuinely feels like they are from a different generation to my gorgeous little man.
But down this road only heartbreak and parenting madness lies.
Recently I got chatting online with some other parents of autistic children and their experience and feedback was hugely helpful to me. As was knowing that I am far from alone with all of the above.
One thing a couple of them told me really resonated, and helped me to start looking at things from a different angle.
We all complain about our children growing up too fast, they said – well aren’t we lucky that our little ones with ASD stay in the moment for a little longer than the rest.
When I look back on those long-ago days when Mini-me was a baby I can see myself in her tiny first bedroom singing and rocking her to sleep and it’s almost like looking at a different parent.
I can remember delighting in her first sentences, seeing her cheeky sense of humour emerging almost as the words tumbled out of her mouth trying to catch up with her. But it’s hard to mentally time travel back to those precious, fleeting memories.
Now our almost six-year-old resembles a teenager sometimes more than she does a little girl, so advanced is her confidence, her rebellious streak and her wealth of witty comebacks. And that’s wonderful in its own way.
But our Blue-eyed boy still comically sticks his bum in the air when he sleeps, like they both did when they were babies.
His eyes light up and he toddles across the room to me when I pick him up from nursery.
He loves a cuddle in front of ‘vintage’ episodes of Ben and Holly.
His favourite thing to do is often to listen to me sing him nursery rhymes and then join in.
And he still finds playing peekaboo hilarious.
So when those ‘can’t do’ worries and fears enter my mind I’m going to try to instead focus on the moments that may be long gone with Mini-me, but are happily still very in the present with my beautiful Blue-eyed boy.
And be thankful.